by Alan McKernan
Berlin, Berlin, Berlin… so good they named it 3 times (ok, so they didn’t, I just made that up but it’s not a bad spot at all).
As marathons go Berlin is as gut as it gets – fast, flat, world record course; top class organisation right from registration to finish area as du wurd expect from das Germans; ein abundance of portaloos too but being so ultra-liberal und uber cool most people just hit the strasse-side or the bushes for a pee-pee or und schiessen, then again maybe that’s why there are nein shortage of portaloos; das support, Mein Gott – people lined in rows along the entire route, hanging out windows, ringing bells, playing music, partying roadside along the route. Absolutely wunderbar…
Let’s not forget das fine selection of beers, das beer halls und hostelries, bratwursts und lederhosen, its cultural diversity with that distinct, bold German overtone – Ya, Berlin es quite ein Stadt.
Following the amazing trip to Berlin in 2015, the thoughts of another crack at a marathon in Berlin was foremost in mein thoughts. For weeks the faint echoes of ‘Klinkerhoffen’ und das sight of der Brandenburg Tor were reverberating in mein Kopf, I could feel her calling me once again.
When Donal ‘the Guard’ Cashin (he’s not really a Guard, he just looks und sounds like one) announced his comeback from injury would involve targeting Berlin my fate was sealed, it would be so.
I would return to den Deutschland und achieve mein GroBe (greatness).
The year seemed to go schnell, months went like weeks und weeks went like days. I managed to kick my biscuit habit too, mein preparations were fantastisch und perfekt.
Paul O’Donnell und Stephen Douglas would complete das Berlin 4 und flank us in our marathon Blitzkrieg.
Friday – flew by, taking 70 mins from airport to number collection und back to hotel that Donal perbooked und… HALT!! Wat es this??? Ein Kinky-Winky-Boom-Boom mens club right next door – GOTT IM HIMMEL!!! He claimed not to know of its existence but I had mein doubts. We quickly went to our room and watched der Late Late Show on the RTE player before sleep.
Saturday – our morgen run und der foodfest began, FOOD, FOOD und more FOOD, I was fearing my Augustus Gloop habits would undo our preparation und hamper our strategy. Another early night / food coma with lights out at 21:30hr.
Sunday – race day, conditions perfect for ‘ein gut lauf’ or a great run as we say in Ireland. We dropped our bags (in der baggage area of course!) took our positions, und… BOOM we were off…
So many runners und laufers, it was very busy but I was calm, I was focused mein glory would come, I just had to be patient. Mein time would come…
Comrade Donal pushed on und ran der race of his life, running 2:44:04 und finishing with his characteristic, tongue sticking out, one eye closed, finish line sprint, averaging just over 6:15/mile average pace – WOW, Super, Super!
Paul had a great race, keeping a steady pace and holding on for a 3:25 und a 3 minute PB – WUNDERBAR!!
Herr Stephen ran with great courage but struggled with cramp und bravely soldiered on to finish in 3:41. With guts like that his time und glory will come.
Und now, mein race was on. I was feeling gut und strong. Today was mein day. Vorspring durch technik – VROOM, VROOM. With all the eyes on me from home I could not buckle, I could not slip. I would push forth und vanquish, SCHNELL, SCHNELL. Nearly there now, I closed mein eyes und savoured mein moment. I repeated my mantra aloud over und over, ‘ICH BIN EIN BEAUTIFUL WOMAN’. I endured. I prevailed, I conquered. The crowds were cheering as I ran through Brandenburg, the frauline were crying und der kinder were waving. I felt like David Hasslehoff although I do believe I am much more popular than ‘der Hoff’ now – he’s not that tall in real life anyways. But wait, 42km wasn’t that it – nein, 42.2KM – oh SCHIESSE, und SCHNELL, SCHNELL, SCHNELL … und click, click, BOOM! 2:49:55. It is done – our mission is complete.
We regroup, hug, kiss und regale each other mit great gusto at the erdinger bier tent – PROST, but hang on, this is alcohol free – we thought this meant free alcohol. This just will not do – outa here now.
And so, there is just one thing left for me to do. I give mein comrades the slip und head for Kinky-Winky-Boom-Boom mens club, sneaking in undercover, no one will ever recognise me with my cunning disguise. I enter and… …hey Donal, Paul, Dougie? What are yis doing here?? What the KLINKERHOFFEN?????? NOO000ooo………….
OFFICIAL RESULTS
Donal Cashin 2:44:04 (5min pb) felt comfortable and steady throughout, just back over a year out with injury – more improvement to come no doubt.
Alan McKernan 2:49:55 (8min pb) ran a clever race with a negative split but nearly caught short and needed a sprint finish to dip under the 2:50
Paul O’Donnell 3:25:00 (3min pb) calve cramp from 8 miles in, had to stop and stretch every two miles onwards, left 5 mins out there – he will be back!
Stephen Douglas 3:41:48 going very well until a group of scantly clad cheerleaders distracted him. Cramped badly at 28km and had a real battle just to get home.
